Mel remembered what I said! And sent me this paragraph. Something I can say "my sentiments, EXACTLY!" to.

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.

 - Hugh Mackay (via dishabillic.tumblr.com)

(10:41am ~ 11:43am on a saturday)

Have a sudden burning anger towards people who look down on others. Don't remember how this thought came about.

Sometimes I really think it's less about what is being said, but more of who says it. Say, supposed smart being and supposed not-as-smart being speak of the same thing that's not immediately understood.

One would probably have another attempt at understanding what the 'smart being' said, and immediately dismiss what the 'not so smart being' said while condescendingly exclaiming "what the hell are you talking about?!".

When in fact what you don't get is just another point of view. We often put logic on a pedestal and claim that as THE intelligence. So let's expand from there. Supremely logical 'smart being' talks to  creative being; he does not understand the creative being. As he has more authority as the established 'smart one', it is not surprising that he will use this authority to dismiss that creative point of view he does not see. And often, many such ideas get casually dismissed as "things that don't make sense".

(using this as an example because I think logic and creativity are often in conflict. I mean the 'crazy ideas' kind of creative, not just in terms of problem solving/'thinking out of the box' kind of creative)

It really says something about what we choose to hear sometimes? We tend to hear things coming from people we accept/want to accept/have to accept, and that's being really selective. I feel there are things we can learn from every single being on earth, so just because you have the impression (perhaps from one incident) that someone is not as mentally superior (and more often than not, in the logical sense), it doesn't mean the person is not worth listening to.

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Okay I know why I got so angry. I just feel like nobody understands my point of view. I must also admit I wrote that out of some secret need to validate myself just because many in school don't understand. Anddd by saying this I've totally destroyed the points I've tried to establish above. Also, the real purpose of my writing - to find a way to convince people (and myself) that I make sense, just not to you - just got defeated.

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[things get more fragmented from here]

Which brings me to the point of how I think most writings stem from the author's personal needs. (Be it to validate himself/help him cope with a world that does not make sense to him etc etc etc etc). Every piece of writing has a point behind it, and the purpose is to find that point a place on earth. So, is there actually the truth, or are there just more popular points of view/points of view written by more popular and powerful people?

Perhaps we should take what others say with a pinch of salt. Ultimately, why do we listen to others' opinions? Is it to find a 'correct' point of view, or do we simply want to find people on earth who share our thoughts? By "people who share out thoughts", I don't mean the exact same thought. I just mean "finding people who have the similar drive for *such kind of thoughts*".

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(This reminds me of why I hate self help books. They make certain ideas seem like the correct ones to make you successful/to make your life happy, when, screw it, different people need different things to be happy)

That being said, I'm still open to the idea of the existence of 'the truth' and 'better ideas', as long as something convincing comes along.

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I am so vulnerable here. Then again, I've always wondered why people think it's bad to be vulnerable. If this is you, so be it. They can't do anything to the truth can they? And if you die (literally and figuratively) of the truth, so be it.

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I'm just trying my best to put my neverendingstreamofthoughts in an order that's more easily understood. Not sure if it's working.

I've - finally - changed my layout to something less.. childlike?

This photo was taken outside a gallery in Copenhagen, it keeps me calm. I didn't change the header 'fire' because I do not know of any other favourite word.

It does sound like a pretty good title for this photograph though.

(an attempt at art theory all over again hahaha)

Visually, the word kind of contrasts with the image - there's no 'visible' wild burning passion, yet you can feel the burning flame in the couple via their simple act of reading side by side. They're not directly communicating here, but he's interested in what she's reading. Also, the fact that they're both at the museum says something, I think - enjoying something together. It's different from many aged couples where one watches telly at home and the other reads. Or something.

Then again, this photo could be read differently.

-

Also feel like symbols ? @ ~ + are greater representations of the categories on the left. They used to be "me", "tagboard", "archives" and "links".

This new font Cambria looks better than Calibri as well.

The odd script left from the designer has been removed as well. Almost everything's been changed though.

Just for my own reference in case I change the picture in the future:

Stream of random things on a thursday mid morning. 

Firstly, classes have just ended. I love my teacher because he is so insightful, also because his mind is so random (yet not random) and that makes me feel less odd about myself.

Secondly,

Dream catchers are such pretty things but it suddenly dawned upon me that I wouldn't want to own one to catch my nightmares. I mean, what are we without our nightmares and the horrific parts that speak so much for ourselves?

Also, I had a dream two nights ago. At 12:40am (dream time) on my usual route home, i accidentally made eye contact with a man, quickly looked away but had the feeling he was going to follow me. I ignored it. A bit of regret involved, of letting my curiosity make eye contact with him. As I was crossing the road at 12:40am, a hand grabbed my waist from my back and asked me to follow him - he wouldn't let go.

The close proximity with a stranger about to do you harm kind of paralyzed me. I kept trying to dial - my home number - but kept failing to, and was at a complete loss of what to do. I grew so afraid of that gripping sensation that I jerked awake immediately. That sensation of someone grabbing my waist left me only half an hour later.

That fear of not knowing what will happen and there's nothing you can do was immensely terrifying. I don't remember being more helpless.

-

Thirdly,

A japanese exchange student said, "In Japan, the degree does not matter that much. Companies believe in educating their employees. So I'm studying sociology" when we asked him why he is studying the arts. I like the idea of that.

These days I've been making a lot of considerations about the major I should choose: 1) To take up geography as a back up plan in case I want to teach. Honestly I don't like geography that much even though it was the only subject I studied for since secondary school, 2) To second major in new media in case I want to enter the industry (though I'm much more interested in advertising and design, which they don't focus as much on in nus), 3) If i were to do fine in psych stats, and major in it due to pure interest, what can I work as in the future, will I even continue to to take my masters? I've always had the idea, 4) To minor in philo/theatre/lit (more of the film component) just because they make me feel more human, and myself. I like that.

I mean Goddamnit why do I have to choose a major and worry about graduating in time, I just want to learn about everything interesting in school :(

Then I was assigning pictures to jf's words in class and thought it'd be fun to work as someone who expresses others' ideas in the from of images. Because I have the idea that art is a lot about drawing and I am not fantastic at it, I will not be an artist. Besides, I don't think my opinion about things should be exhibited and put on a pedestal. It'll be fun to express others' ideas into pictures, just so I wouldn't feel as self-absorbed.

We often have such
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Fourthly,

I like how jf prefers ugly but genuine things over the polished things, because I prefer that too. To have someone 'legit' have the same opinion as you sort of gives your opinion more validation, I think. "I like bad service. Because really, you're serving people all day, how can you ever be so happy? It's actually quite scary how they always have that smile on their faces".

Talking about my immense need for validation for my words, I feel that one friend knows that, and the other interprets it as "Emma wants me to buy her point of view" and that is so not true. I just want someone to say my point make sense, and if possible, add something to it. They could also disagree after understanding my point of view, because I'd be more than happy to accept anything that makes more sense that whatever I've come up with. I should stop having this craving for others' validation.
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Fifthly (this word looks odd. Let's change it to "fifth"),

Often, I get sad about how others make their (true) identity really clear to others while I can't. "being retarded" is no problem because you don't really show parts of yourself. But when it comes to voicing out my opinions, I always have a problem with that.

Because I'm afraid I'd be seen as pretentious for thinking about so much stuff, and I'm afraid I'd be seen as 'self absorbed' for having so much to talk about myself.

-

Sixth,

I really really want to find someone whom I can learn a lot from.

Which leads to: I think my ideas about relationships with people (all sorts) are far too ideal and....


my friend has called so i have to leave for lunch.

Kind of miss staying at home 90% of the week

The Strokes - You Live Only Once

This is insanely addictive, mostly because of his voice.

It's 5:30am now. The initial plan was to cycle, but there weren't enough bikes and it was raining so we ended up playing pool, foosball and band hero in the games room. I wasn't being considerate enough, I think. When should I give in to others and when can I not?

There's so much I want to do, and being with people means making lots of compromises. Admittedly, I'd rather go on my own and fulfil that mental checklist of serious/trivial things. It's so inefficient to have a whole group of people with differing interests, and having to give in to each other all the time. But thinking this way feels wrong. It feels wrong to not bother about the presence of people. They weren't wrong when they said I live in my own world. Being with people is so tiring. Yet it can be fun as well.

It's come to a point where I've lost myself. I can't find anybody I can pour all my thoughts out to. Or perhaps it's because we don't get the chance to do so. I put on a friendly chatty front so much that it's become almost me.

Right now I'm not convinced that I like it. In fact, I really hate it. I hate how people might probably think I'm simple and childish. I hate simplicity so, so much. On one hand I can be happy and thankful here, because there are two people here I care about. On the other, I'm still somewhat lonely and I haven't grown at all. To grow is probably the single most important thing to me, yet it's not happening that much.

The fact that people think I like being with people makes me upset in a little sense. The very fact that I understand why they might say so is what's upsetting. That I'm not necessarily acting like my 'natural' self (to be around just one or two close friends and share thoughts like we did tonight, or be alone), but to be in search of people to communicate with by 'exposing' myself to more groups.

Everybody just gives this same "what, you're introverted?! How?" (let's leave out the debate about excessive labeling of introverts and extroverts which is beginning to get on my nerves due to certain reasons. Nonetheless, I do agree labeling does have its importance so I'll still use the term here) It feels as though people know NOTHING about me when they exclaim - so loudly - that they don't believe I'd really rather be with myself or very little people.

So in that sense, nobody knows my real needs, and if feels as though they will never be met if things continue this way.

-

(edit) Tonight was good though. (/edit)

I LOVE PHOENIX SO SO SO SO MUCH


Second to none


Consolation prizes


Lasso


Girlfriend

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Just a few (that are not so known, I think).

I love Japanese films. Or Japanese things in general.

Watched Aruiteru Aruiteru (translation: Still Walking) today, it was a really great film. Been meaning to elaborate on the thoughts I've scribbled down while watching it, but became extremely restless towards the end of the day and therefore never got to it.

The past two days have been odd like that, I feel like I'm in a cage which is my body. There's something wanting to be let out but I just don't know what. So I took a walk in the park and went in rounds while messaging Sarah about (ghosts? and unreal things) till I lost count. Saw a cute couple (the girl was really pretty), a cute kid with a familiar face that I can't recall. The need to get out of the house is so extremely rare for my case, so today's walk can speak for itself.

I squirmed around in bed and screamed a little yesterday.

Speaking of which, there are also many things in Chungking express I would like to talk about. And speaking of which, the past week has been completely unproductive. I thought I watched Chungking only a few days ago when it has already been a week and a half. I'll rewatch Chungking though, was feeling restless that day as well. Something's just wrong with me lately.

-

I prefer watching films at home, on the computer because you can:

1) put the thing on rewind when you can't hear them properly

2) replay the scenes/lines you like countless times

3) take screenshots

4) jot down your thoughts. You don't get to write notes on your phone next to movie-goers who will murder you for having a light emitting device in your hands.

Was filling in blank boxes with dates to make a calendar and realised I never EVER fill in the dates in chronological order. And it happens every year. Cause it's too boring to take.

Method:

1) fill in first and last dates of the month

2) fill in the date for first monday of the month

3) fill boxes in vertically downwards by adding 7 to that first date etc

4) fill in 2 horizontal boxes next to the 4/5 dates you've just filled in

5) leave one whole row of vertical boxes blank

6) find the last date of the month, fill up vertically by subtracting 7

7) fill in the boxes left and right of the new row you've just created.

8) fill in any remaining boxes.

-

One of the instances where maths was fun.
super simple maths for 4 year olds.

"and that's the problem with the both of us.
We crave acknowledgement. The very thing preventing us from standing up on our own feet, why we're always so affected by others, why we are perfectionists".

I looked at him, hoping he'd say more,
but knew these words were all I needed.

Random 12 pm musings 

Reading and watching films play such a great role in shaping you that they sometimes make you realise that you're made up of nothing but fragments of other people. I am different from you because I'm made up of fragments of my parents and my friends, and you're made up of fragments of different parents and different friends. You'll read/hear/watch something you really like and start to think in terms of those people. What do the words 'original thoughts' mean then?

I mean, your thoughts are always 'original' in the sense that they're your core self's interpretation of things, but, for example, there's a difference between the thoughts I get (from observing people at the office towers), and the thoughts i get from (reading about someone's thoughts of him observing people at the office towers). I'm apprehensive about the latter.

-

It feels good when someone manages to 'put our thoughts we can't exactly pin down' into words, or 'offer us a completely new perspective', but does that not mean we're just 'borrowing' words/thoughts from others and not pondering about questions we have to resolve ourselves?

I guess there are times where we have to 'borrow thoughts from others' because we're too caught up in our own worlds to move on, and books/movies etc will serve to heal you.

But on lighter occasions when you're just randomly searching for things like "what is fear?", and you start to read others' opinion on this topic - would it not be dangerous if you have had no prior opinion to the word 'fear'? (Besides feeling it all the time, of course).

Cause you'd either fully accept his opinion or criticize it based on the premises of 'fear' that person has already set for you. I guess it'll help to read a lot.

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Of course, books and films are still (indescribably) wonderful in the sense that they provide you with a piece of other worlds and situations you otherwise wouldn't have known. They allow you to think about issues not as prevalent in your life, they enrich you.

Perhaps the question to myself would be, so what if we're made up of fragments of others? I don't know, it just unnerves me a little. Maybe I should google "what does the word 'self' mean?". Ironically.

It feels like nobody knows my identity, while she makes it so clear to everyone what her identity is. And they acknowledge it. Everybody thinks I'm this.. easily excitable being who needs to immerse myself in the presence of other people. I'm just searching for the right people when I talk to many. Person. {edit}I was jealous{/edit}

These days I feel like I've fulfilled the needs of the past me - recognition of my presence by many (or enough). But I often feel I'm not fully recognized as a person. They might not really know and like who I really am. Why is it that I feel most like myself when I'm alone, why can I not be like myself even in front of humans?

It was nice today though, I think I found someone in school I enjoy talking to, for the first time in so many months. It felt so genuine and we were both just interested to listen to each other. The kind of talk I've always been craving for.

Random:

Had a slightly heated argument (not in the bad way) about power/respect with parents last night. I dislike this idea of power and position.

Generally find it a pretentious behaviour to provide the interactive social media with information about yourself. (the ones where people can comment on) Like, really personal ones. I used to do that and it made me feel kind of disgusted with myself. There is something wrong with such a judgemental statement, I don't know why I'm thinking this way.

Spent the first day of 2013 sleeping, mostly.

Couldn't sleep last night, felt like I was being watched by my mom.
With a disappointed expression on her.
Then I woke up to something weird. Feeling disgusting and gross.

Can't wash it off my mind, shall lock myself up and read or watch a film. Watch the same few films over and over again.